First of all, I HATE PERIODS! The menstrual kind.
So for whatever reason, my body hates me. Yeah, I don’t get it either. All I know is that she is steady plotting against me even though we’re supposed to be a team and I’m tired of her attitude. And I should have known fa, I really should have. Remember when we were kids and all antsy to be grown and adulting? That was EXACTLY the trick my body used on me yet again. Shame on me…
So here’s what happened. About 2 – 3 years ago, my menstrual cycle was in shambles. Madam could decide to range anywhere from 25 to 38 days and even better (I didn’t recognize this blessing then), would sometimes skip all together! Best put, my period was mad unpredictable. But the people in my village got bored and decided to use me as the object in their game of fetch. That was how I started complaining fa, to my family & friends.
My BigSis (Hey mama!) worked for a pharmaceutical company then. So she took my matter up and got me on some meds. It turned out that my imbalanced hormones were the culprit and after some months of treatment, body calmed down and the cycle has since then been swinging around 29 to 31 days steady. All good, right? WRONG. In fact, the regularity is exactly the problem.
You see, I have VERY painful periods. I believe educated folk call it dysmenorrhea. So back then when my periods were irregular, I’d have a little bit of time to breathe in-between, and could get spared the pain completely some months. Now though? It’s back to back attacks, no time to recover. I literally have only 2 weeks reprieve every month, the rest of the month is for my body to punish me. Let me paint the picture for you real quick.
It starts from when I’m ovulating. I actually have cramps when I ovulate; not as bad as the real deal but just as inconvenient. And then I purge (as in stooling). This goes on the whole time I’m ovulating. During these torturous 7 days also comes the acne, then both the acne and purging carry themselves right into my period. My period (duration = 5 days) is characterized by INTENSE cramps, purging, migraines and vomiting (it’s either I vomit or I’m nauseous the whole time!). This post can only go up now because I overdosed (don’t judge please) on Diclofenac (not saying the dosage) to keep sane. Kindly keep in mind that this happens EVERY MONTH.
If I had had the good sense to kept my mouth shut all those years ago and just gone along with my irregular cycle, will I have to deal with my traitorous body every month? Of course not! But like I said, my village people.
Anywho, now I’m left here with questions like;
- How do I make my periods irregular again?
- What is the procedure for skipping periods? At least for 2 months. What items do I need to purchase for the ritual?
- Is menopause a viable option? If so, how do I speed it up? Because this life is only one oo.
So these are the issues my darlings. I need y’all to deliberate on these matters and save me from my body. Sha keep in mind that if you suggest pregnancy, I’ll swear for you. But seriously though, EPP ME!